Communication Projeto 3

7/30/2019 Communication Projeto 3

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Ministrio de Casais da IPP

Voc Pode Me OuvirAgora?

Chaves de Comunicao para Casais


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Communication Keys for Couples

Parte I Chaves para Comun icao Efet iva1 Opening the Door to Effective Communication

2 Understanding How Differences Impact Communication

3 Improving Communication by Dealing with Differences

4 Mastering the Essentials of Effective Communication

5 Moving Beyond the Basics to the Ultimate Goal

Par te II Reso luo de Confli to6 Identifying the Sources of Conflict in Marriage

7 Resolving Conflicts in Our Marriage


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I. Opening the Door to Communication

1. Goal of Communication in Marriage

What are you looking to get out of this course?

Learn to manipulate my spouse.

Learn to converse without fighting so much.

Learn to communicate more effectively.

Other _____________________________


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Level What We Say We Reveal

Elevator Talk Pleasantries Almost Nothing

Reporter Talk Facts Know

Intellectual Talk Thoughts Opinions

Emotional Talk Emotions Feel

Intimate Talk Secrets Desires/Fears/etc


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The primary goal of

communication in

marriage is to

increase intimacy.


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So where are you right now?

Elevator Reporter Intellectual Emotional Intimate

1 2 3 4 5

If I had to guess, Id rate our overall level as a: ________


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2. Our Words Have Power!

With all due respect to Mom.....

Words CAN and DO impact us!


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Our words have power to impact others!

To Hurt Others

Psalm 52:2

Your tongue..is like a sharpened razor.

Proverbs 12:18

Reckless words pierce like a sword

Proverbs 15:1

..a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:4

.a deceitful tongue crushes the spir i t .
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=23&chapter=52&verse=2&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=12&verse=18&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=15&verse=1&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=15&verse=4&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=15&verse=4&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=15&verse=4&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=15&verse=1&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=15&verse=1&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=12&verse=18&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=12&verse=18&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=23&chapter=52&verse=2&version=31&context=verse


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Our words have power to impact others!

To Hurt Others

James 3:5-9

The tongue also is a f ire, a wor ld o f evi lamong the parts of the body. It co rrup ts thewhole person , sets the whole course of hisl i fe on f ire, and is itsel f set on f ire by hel l .

But no man can tame the tongue. It is a

rest less evi l , ful l of deadly po ison .


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Our words have power to impact others!To HELP Others

Prov 12:6 the speech of the upright rescues them.

Prov 2:18 but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Prov 12:25 a kind word cheers him up.

Prov 5:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath

Prov 15:4 tongue that brings healing is a tree of life
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=12&verse=18&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=12&verse=25&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=12&verse=25&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=12&verse=25&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=12&verse=18&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=12&verse=18&version=31&context=verse


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When words are spoken by someonewe care about , they have incredible

power!


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We train our spouse to reach

or to restrict these higher levels

of communication by our repetitiveresponses.


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Can I trust you with

the real me???


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Barriers -- Destroy Intimacy & Cause U PAIN


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1. UnforgivenessWhen we are unwilling to forgive, we doom our

relationships !


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1. Unforgiveness

2. PrideWe inherently want our own way.and often dont

even know it.


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1. Unforgiveness

2. Pride

3. Anger

Our differences often cause resentment after marriage.


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1. Unforgiveness

2. Pride

3. Anger

4. Ignorance

We dont understand basic communication skills.


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1. Unforgiveness

2. Pride

3. Anger

4. Ignorance

5. Neglectlonger married, more we take our spouse for granted.


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Relationships are a l i t t lelike tangible things(car, home, etc.) in that

they must be regularly maintained tofunction properly.

Communication is a key aspect of a

maintenance program.


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4. The Door to Intimacyopen or closed


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Lack of Character

Distrust

Closed Off

Isolation

Person of Character

Trust

Openness

Intimacy


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What does my Character have to do withcommunication? EVERYTHING!

This is why some couples are married fordecades and yet live like strangers.

Because every spouse wants to know the

answer to ONE question:Can I trust you with my heart?


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Communication Key #1:

The most important first step I can take toimprove communication with my spouse is

to focus on my own personal character

development !

This is a lifelong journey toward a

destination that we never arrive at.


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5. A Mature Person of Character

Maturity1 Tim 4:12

Dont let anyone look down on you because you

are young, but set an examp le for the bel ievers inspeech , in l i fe, in love, and in pu ri ty.

Hebrews 6:1Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings

about Christ and go on to maturity

James 1:4Perseverance must f in ish i ts wo rk so that you maybe mature and com plete, no t lack ing anyth ing.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=65&chapter=6&verse=1&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=65&chapter=6&verse=1&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=65&chapter=6&verse=1&version=31&context=verse


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Maturity

The key issue here is that we should be

growing and improving.

Best example of what maturity is NOT:

a baby


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Maturity

Important Marks of Maturity

(1) Others orientation

(2) Delayed gratification

(3) Balanced Perspective

So we dont always do what we want to do -- we do what we need to do.


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Character/Integrity

The man of integri ty walks securely, bu t he whotakes crooked paths w i l l be found ou t .

The integr i ty of th e upr ight guides them, but theunfai thfu l are destroyed by their dupl ic i ty.

A wife of nob le character is her husband's crow n,bu t a disgraceful w i fe is l ike decay in h is bones.

A wife of nob le character who c an find? She is wo rth farmore than rubies. Her hus band has ful l con f idence in her.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=11&verse=3&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=24&chapter=11&verse=3&version=31&context=verse


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Key Traits of a Maturing Person of Character


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(1) Honest

Proverbs 12:22

The LORD detests ly ing l ips , bu t he deligh ts in menwho are truthfu l .

Proverbs 15:4

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of l i fe, bu t adecei t fu l tongue crushes the spir i t .

Proverbs 24:26 An honest answer is l ike a kiss on the lips.

Ephesians 4:15

speaking the truth in love, we w i l l in al l th ings growup into him


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(1) Honest

Ephesians 4:25

Therefore each of you must p ut o f f falsehood and

speak truthfully to his neighbor

1 Peter 3:10

For, "Whoever wou ld love l i fe and see good days must

keep h is tongue from evi l and h is l ips from decei t fu lspeech.


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(1) Honest

Honesty is the foundation of all relationships!


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(2) Considerate

1 Peter 3:7

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you l ive

with your wives, and treat them w ith respect as the

weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious

gi f t of l i fe, so that nothing w i l l hinder your p rayers.

Ephesians 4:32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiv ing

each o ther, just as in Christ God forgave you.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=58&chapter=3&verse=12&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=58&chapter=3&verse=12&version=31&context=versehttp://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=58&chapter=3&verse=12&version=31&context=verse


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(2) Considerate

Colossians 3:12

Therefore, as God's chosen people, ho ly and dearly

loved, clothe yours elves w ith com passion, k indness,

hum il i ty, gent leness and pat ience.

Being considerate is first about considering your

spouses needs.

It is also about behavior that demonstrates you have

been thinking of them.


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(3) Committed/Trustworthy

1 Corinthians 4:2

Now it is required that those who have been given a trust

must prove faithful.

Galatians 5:22

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,

kindness, goodness, faithfulness,


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(3) Committed/Trustworthy

Commitment = faithfulness to our spouse

wont bail when going gets rough.

Nothing shuts down openness faster than revealing asecret shared in confidence.


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(4) Humble

Ephesians 4:2

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with

one another in love.

Philippians 2:3

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in

humility consider others better than yourselves.

Humility means that I see myself and others as God

sees us.


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Five Major Keys of Effective Communication

1. Maturing Character

Can I trust you with my heart?


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West Ridge Church Marriage Ministry

Can You Hear Me Now?



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II. Understanding Impact of Differences


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========== D A T I N G ===========

Opposites Attract

========= M A R R I A G E ==========

Opposites Irritate!


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1 Pet 3:7

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you

live with your wives, and treat them with respect as

the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the

gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder yourprayers. (NIV)

You husbands in the same way, live with your

wives in an understanding way(NASB)


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After laying a foundation of character

in our lives, the next essential key of

effective communication is to develop

mutual understanding.


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1. Physiological

Gen 1:27

So God created man in his own image, in theimage of God he created him; male and female

he created them.


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1. Physiological

Anatomical Differences

Brain Chemistry

Differences in Senses


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1. Physiological

Anatomical Differences

Brain Chemistry

Differences in Senses

Brain Processes


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1. Physiological

2. Natural Abilities


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2. Natural AbilitiesExodus 31:3-6

I have filled him [Bezalel] with skill, ability and

knowledge in all kinds of crafts to make artistic designs

for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to

work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of

craftsmanship...I have appointed Oholiab to help him.

Also I have given skill to all the craftsmen to makeeverything I have commanded you.


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Arts, Music, Drama paint, draw, sing, act, play

Sports baseball, football, hunting, etc

Verbal skills word puzzles, reading, stories

Mechanical ability build things, mechanical

Concepts/Ideas teacher, thinker, writer


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1. Physiological


3. Family Background


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1John 4:5

They are from the world and therefore speak

from the viewpoint of the world.


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Whatever world (family) we are from has a

HUGE impact on how we interpret life and

react to it.

In fact, it defines our concept ofnormal.

f ff


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Food Healthy vs. Southern

II U d di I f Diff


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Religion Spiritual vs. Not so much

II U d t di I t f Diff


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Finances Spenders vs. Savers



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Pets Many vs. None



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Politics Republic vs. Democrat



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Expressive Huggers vs. Reserved



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Child-Rear Spankers vs. Non-spankers



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Holidays Santa Claus vs. None



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Chores His vs. Hers



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How we were raised becomes our normal.

When we discover our spouse does things

differentlyWell, theyre just wrong!

We all need to learn that in most situations,

theyre not wrong, just different.

II Understanding Impact of Differences


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1. Physiological



4. Primary Role and Emotional Need



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Gen 2:18

The LORD God said, " It is not good for the man to be

alone. I wi l l make a helper su itable for h im ."

Eph 5:22-23

Wives, subm it to your husbands as to the Lord . For

the husband is the head o f the wife as Chr is t is the

head of the church



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Eph 5:22 - 28

Husbands love your w ives, just as Chr is t loved the

church and gave himself up for her. In this same

way, husbands ought to love their wives as their ownbodies.

Eph 5:33

However, each one of you also must love his w ife as he

loves himself , and the wife must respect her husband.



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Primary

Spouse Primary Role Need

Husband Loving Servant-Leader Respect

Wife Respectful Helper-Comp Love



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1. Physiological




5. Love Languages



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5. Love Languages

(1) Words of Affirmation

(2) Quality Time

(3) Receiving Gifts

(4) Acts of Service

(5) Physical Touch



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5. Love Languages

While all languages should be expressed, we

generally have one or two that we hear best.

Our tendency is to express love the way that

we hear love.



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5. Love Languages

To be fully received, our expressions of love

need to be communicated in a way that our

spouse can understand.

We need to discoverour spouses language

and learn to speak that to them regularly.



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1. Physiological




5. Love Languages

6. Spiritual Gifts



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6. Spiritual Gifts

1 Corinthians 12:7, 11, 18-20

Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for

the common good.

All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he

gives them [gifts] to each one, just as he determines.

...in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one

of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one

part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many

parts, but one body.



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6. Spiritual Gifts

Spir i tual gif ts are given TO each bel iever BY

the Spir i t FOR the common good.

The Holy Spir i t determ ines which gi f t (s) wereceive.

God g ives us d i fferent gi f ts because the

Church and the wor ld need them al l !



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6. Spiritual Gifts

Service Gif ts Sign Gif ts

Prophesying Wisdom

Serving Prophecy

Teaching KnowledgeEncouraging/Exhorting Discernment

Giving Faith

Leading Speaking in Tongues

Showing Mercy Interpreting Tongues

Miracles

Healing



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6. Spiritual Gifts

The sp ir i tual gi f ts we possess inf luence

how we perceive and respond to our

wor ld and our spouse!



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1. Physiological




5. Love Languages

6. Spiritual Gifts

7. Personality Type



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7. Personality Type

By understanding our own personality type and

that of our spouse we gain a huge advantage to

improving our communication. We will have a

better insight as to what motivates our spouse,

how they are likely to interpret a particular issue,

and how they might respond to a specific situation.

Gaining an understanding of these differences

enables us to decrease the conflict in our life!



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7. Personality Type

We are born with our basic personality and will

exhibit many of these strengths and weaknesses

over our entire lifetime. BUT we must not fall

prey to the belief that our natural-borntendencies can keep us from maturing over time.



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7. Personality Type

LaHaye DISC Smalley/Trent

Choleric D Lion

Sanguine I OtterPhlegmatic S Golden Retriever

Melancholy C Beaver



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7. Personality Type

Mature Immature

Descr ipt ion Streng ths Weaknesses

Lion Determined DemandingHigh D Decisive Dictatorial

Choleric Direct Blunt

Assertive Argumentative

Aggressive Overbearing

Goal-Oriented Impatient



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7. Personality Type

Mature Immature


Otter Charismatic ImpulsiveHigh I Confident Overconfident

Sanguine Gregarious Superficial

Stimulating Self-CenteredTalkative Poor Listener

Enthusiastic Emotional



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7. Personality Type

Mature Immature


Golden Easy-Going Non-ConfrontRetriever Accommodating Indecisive

High S Patient Indifferent

Phlegmatic Calm ApatheticLoyal Passive

Dependable Plodding



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7. Personality Type

Mature Immature


Beaver Orderly ObsessiveHigh C Thorough Nit-Picky

Melancholy Systematic Legalistic

Quality Perfectionist

Cautious Indecisive

Analytical Critical



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7. Personality Type

God g ives us our co re personali ty to help us

accompl ish His pu rposes for ou r l ife.

By Gods Spirit, we can grow beyond our

natural weaknesses and do things that are no t

natural for us.



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7. Personality Type

Philippians 2:13

for it is God who works in you to will and to act according

to his good purpose.

Philippians 4:13

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit ofpower, of love and of self-discipline.



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7. Personality Type

You can use your background as an excuse

for present behavior only until you receive

Jesus Christ as your personal Lord andSavior. After that you have a new power

within you that is able to change your

conduct. Dr. Henry Brandt



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2. Mutual Understanding

Do you know who I am?

W t Rid Ch h M i Mi i t


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III. Dealing With Our Differences


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g



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g

Introduction: Irreconcilable Differences?

The best marriages are generally those that

have full alignment in values but differ in core

personality temperament.

It is not enough to recognize our differences

we must also respond appropriately.



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g

Our Natural Response to Differences



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g


1. Believe that we are right and they are wrong.

2. At first, we are patient and hope they willchange on their own.



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g


3. But when they dont, we attempt to change

them through a variety of techniques.

-- Joke about it -- Teach or coach

-- Shame them -- Nag repeatedly

-- Yell about it -- Cry about it

-- Shut down/silence



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g

4. Most of these techniques have the unintended

result of pushing our spouse away.

5. And over time, this leads to isolation the very

opposite of intimacy.

6. If this pattern is not changed, this behavior

ends up in: -- Divorce

-- M & M MarriageMarried and Miserable



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g

The Desired Response



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g


1. Recognize that God has not called us

to change our spouse -- thats His job!

Because opposites attract, we tend to be

strong in areas our spouse is weak.

Dont try to change your spouse.

Instead, allow God to use them to change me.



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2. Accept our spouse as Gods gift to us for

helping us grow.

Then the LORD God made a woman from the ribhe had taken out of the man, and he brought her to

the man. The man and his wife were both naked,

and they felt no shame. Genesis 2:22,25



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2. Accept our spouse as Gods gift to us for

helping us grow.

Our spouse is our God-given accountability

partner!

We should be asking:

What is God trying to teach me?



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3. Learn to embrace these differences.

Romans 15:7

Accept one another, then, just as Christ acceptedyou, in order to bring praise to God.



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3. Learn to embrace these differences.

4. Understand the stages of this process.



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We are different and.

DATING

Gee, hadnt really noticed. Ignore

MARRIAGE

Yikes!!! Recognize

I get it.intellectually. Understand

I can live with thatif I must. Tolerate

THE WALL



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DATING

Gee, hadnt really noticed. Ignore

MARRIAGE

Yikes!!! Recognize

I get it.intellectually. Understand

I can live with thatif I must. Tolerate

THE WALL MUST PUSH PAST !!!



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THE WALL

Im okay with that..really. Accept

Im glad for you. Appreciate

I see how that benefits us! Embrace



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5. Embracing our differences creates a safe

environment in which we can talk.

6. The result is that our spouse feels

unconditional acceptance.

We reach higher levels of intimacy onlyas

we feel unconditionally accepted.



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2. Mutual Understanding

3. Unconditional Acceptance

Will you accept me as I am?



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Communication Projeto 3

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