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Ministrio de Casais da IPP
Voc Pode Me OuvirAgora?
Chaves de Comunicao para Casais
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Communication Keys for Couples
Parte I Chaves para Comun icao Efet iva1 Opening the Door to Effective Communication
2 Understanding How Differences Impact Communication
3 Improving Communication by Dealing with Differences
4 Mastering the Essentials of Effective Communication
5 Moving Beyond the Basics to the Ultimate Goal
Par te II Reso luo de Confli to6 Identifying the Sources of Conflict in Marriage
7 Resolving Conflicts in Our Marriage
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I. Opening the Door to Communication
1. Goal of Communication in Marriage
What are you looking to get out of this course?
Learn to manipulate my spouse.
Learn to converse without fighting so much.
Learn to communicate more effectively.
Other _____________________________
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Level What We Say We Reveal
Elevator Talk Pleasantries Almost Nothing
Reporter Talk Facts Know
Intellectual Talk Thoughts Opinions
Emotional Talk Emotions Feel
Intimate Talk Secrets Desires/Fears/etc
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The primary goal of
communication in
marriage is to
increase intimacy.
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I. Opening the Door to Communication
So where are you right now?
Elevator Reporter Intellectual Emotional Intimate
1 2 3 4 5
If I had to guess, Id rate our overall level as a: ________
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2. Our Words Have Power!
With all due respect to Mom.....
Words CAN and DO impact us!
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Our words have power to impact others!
To Hurt Others
Psalm 52:2
Your tongue..is like a sharpened razor.
Proverbs 12:18
Reckless words pierce like a sword
Proverbs 15:1
..a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:4
.a deceitful tongue crushes the spir i t .
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Our words have power to impact others!
To Hurt Others
James 3:5-9
The tongue also is a f ire, a wor ld o f evi lamong the parts of the body. It co rrup ts thewhole person , sets the whole course of hisl i fe on f ire, and is itsel f set on f ire by hel l .
But no man can tame the tongue. It is a
rest less evi l , ful l of deadly po ison .
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Our words have power to impact others!To HELP Others
Prov 12:6 the speech of the upright rescues them.
Prov 2:18 but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Prov 12:25 a kind word cheers him up.
Prov 5:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath
Prov 15:4 tongue that brings healing is a tree of life
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When words are spoken by someonewe care about , they have incredible
power!
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We train our spouse to reach
or to restrict these higher levels
of communication by our repetitiveresponses.
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Can I trust you with
the real me???
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Barriers -- Destroy Intimacy & Cause U PAIN
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I. Opening the Door to Communication
Barriers -- Destroy Intimacy & Cause U PAIN
1. UnforgivenessWhen we are unwilling to forgive, we doom our
relationships !
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I. Opening the Door to Communication
Barriers -- Destroy Intimacy & Cause U PAIN
1. Unforgiveness
2. PrideWe inherently want our own way.and often dont
even know it.
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I. Opening the Door to Communication
Barriers -- Destroy Intimacy & Cause U PAIN
1. Unforgiveness
2. Pride
3. Anger
Our differences often cause resentment after marriage.
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I. Opening the Door to Communication
Barriers -- Destroy Intimacy & Cause U PAIN
1. Unforgiveness
2. Pride
3. Anger
4. Ignorance
We dont understand basic communication skills.
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I. Opening the Door to Communication
Barriers -- Destroy Intimacy & Cause U PAIN
1. Unforgiveness
2. Pride
3. Anger
4. Ignorance
5. Neglectlonger married, more we take our spouse for granted.
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Barriers -- Destroy Intimacy & Cause U PAIN
Relationships are a l i t t lelike tangible things(car, home, etc.) in that
they must be regularly maintained tofunction properly.
Communication is a key aspect of a
maintenance program.
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I. Opening the Door to Communication
4. The Door to Intimacyopen or closed
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4. The Door to Intimacyopen or closed
Lack of Character
Distrust
Closed Off
Isolation
Person of Character
Trust
Openness
Intimacy
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4. The Door to Intimacyopen or closed
What does my Character have to do withcommunication? EVERYTHING!
This is why some couples are married fordecades and yet live like strangers.
Because every spouse wants to know the
answer to ONE question:Can I trust you with my heart?
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4. The Door to Intimacyopen or closed
Communication Key #1:
The most important first step I can take toimprove communication with my spouse is
to focus on my own personal character
development !
This is a lifelong journey toward a
destination that we never arrive at.
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I. Opening the Door to Communication
5. A Mature Person of Character
Maturity1 Tim 4:12
Dont let anyone look down on you because you
are young, but set an examp le for the bel ievers inspeech , in l i fe, in love, and in pu ri ty.
Hebrews 6:1Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings
about Christ and go on to maturity
James 1:4Perseverance must f in ish i ts wo rk so that you maybe mature and com plete, no t lack ing anyth ing.
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5. A Mature Person of Character
Maturity
The key issue here is that we should be
growing and improving.
Best example of what maturity is NOT:
a baby
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I. Opening the Door to Communication
5. A Mature Person of Character
Maturity
Important Marks of Maturity
(1) Others orientation
(2) Delayed gratification
(3) Balanced Perspective
So we dont always do what we want to do -- we do what we need to do.
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5. A Mature Person of Character
Character/Integrity
The man of integri ty walks securely, bu t he whotakes crooked paths w i l l be found ou t .
The integr i ty of th e upr ight guides them, but theunfai thfu l are destroyed by their dupl ic i ty.
A wife of nob le character is her husband's crow n,bu t a disgraceful w i fe is l ike decay in h is bones.
A wife of nob le character who c an find? She is wo rth farmore than rubies. Her hus band has ful l con f idence in her.
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Key Traits of a Maturing Person of Character
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Key Traits of a Maturing Person of Character
(1) Honest
Proverbs 12:22
The LORD detests ly ing l ips , bu t he deligh ts in menwho are truthfu l .
Proverbs 15:4
The tongue that brings healing is a tree of l i fe, bu t adecei t fu l tongue crushes the spir i t .
Proverbs 24:26 An honest answer is l ike a kiss on the lips.
Ephesians 4:15
speaking the truth in love, we w i l l in al l th ings growup into him
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Key Traits of a Maturing Person of Character
(1) Honest
Ephesians 4:25
Therefore each of you must p ut o f f falsehood and
speak truthfully to his neighbor
1 Peter 3:10
For, "Whoever wou ld love l i fe and see good days must
keep h is tongue from evi l and h is l ips from decei t fu lspeech.
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Key Traits of a Maturing Person of Character
(1) Honest
Honesty is the foundation of all relationships!
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Key Traits of a Maturing Person of Character
(2) Considerate
1 Peter 3:7
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you l ive
with your wives, and treat them w ith respect as the
weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious
gi f t of l i fe, so that nothing w i l l hinder your p rayers.
Ephesians 4:32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiv ing
each o ther, just as in Christ God forgave you.
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Key Traits of a Maturing Person of Character
(2) Considerate
Colossians 3:12
Therefore, as God's chosen people, ho ly and dearly
loved, clothe yours elves w ith com passion, k indness,
hum il i ty, gent leness and pat ience.
Being considerate is first about considering your
spouses needs.
It is also about behavior that demonstrates you have
been thinking of them.
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Key Traits of a Maturing Person of Character
(3) Committed/Trustworthy
1 Corinthians 4:2
Now it is required that those who have been given a trust
must prove faithful.
Galatians 5:22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
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Key Traits of a Maturing Person of Character
(3) Committed/Trustworthy
Commitment = faithfulness to our spouse
wont bail when going gets rough.
Nothing shuts down openness faster than revealing asecret shared in confidence.
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Key Traits of a Maturing Person of Character
(4) Humble
Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with
one another in love.
Philippians 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in
humility consider others better than yourselves.
Humility means that I see myself and others as God
sees us.
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I. Opening the Door to Communication
Five Major Keys of Effective Communication
1. Maturing Character
Can I trust you with my heart?
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West Ridge Church Marriage Ministry
Can You Hear Me Now?
Communication Keys for Couples
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
========== D A T I N G ===========
Opposites Attract
========= M A R R I A G E ==========
Opposites Irritate!
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1 Pet 3:7
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you
live with your wives, and treat them with respect as
the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the
gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder yourprayers. (NIV)
You husbands in the same way, live with your
wives in an understanding way(NASB)
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After laying a foundation of character
in our lives, the next essential key of
effective communication is to develop
mutual understanding.
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1. Physiological
Gen 1:27
So God created man in his own image, in theimage of God he created him; male and female
he created them.
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
1. Physiological
Anatomical Differences
Brain Chemistry
Differences in Senses
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1. Physiological
Anatomical Differences
Brain Chemistry
Differences in Senses
Brain Processes
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1. Physiological
2. Natural Abilities
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2. Natural AbilitiesExodus 31:3-6
I have filled him [Bezalel] with skill, ability and
knowledge in all kinds of crafts to make artistic designs
for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to
work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of
craftsmanship...I have appointed Oholiab to help him.
Also I have given skill to all the craftsmen to makeeverything I have commanded you.
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
2. Natural Abilities
Arts, Music, Drama paint, draw, sing, act, play
Sports baseball, football, hunting, etc
Verbal skills word puzzles, reading, stories
Mechanical ability build things, mechanical
Concepts/Ideas teacher, thinker, writer
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
1. Physiological
2. Natural Abilities
3. Family Background
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
3. Family Background
1John 4:5
They are from the world and therefore speak
from the viewpoint of the world.
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3. Family Background
Whatever world (family) we are from has a
HUGE impact on how we interpret life and
react to it.
In fact, it defines our concept ofnormal.
f ff
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3. Family Background
Food Healthy vs. Southern
II U d di I f Diff
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
3. Family Background
Religion Spiritual vs. Not so much
II U d t di I t f Diff
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
3. Family Background
Finances Spenders vs. Savers
II U d t di I t f Diff
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
3. Family Background
Pets Many vs. None
II U d t di I t f Diff
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
3. Family Background
Politics Republic vs. Democrat
II U d t di I t f Diff
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
3. Family Background
Expressive Huggers vs. Reserved
II U d t di I t f Diff
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
3. Family Background
Child-Rear Spankers vs. Non-spankers
II U d t di I t f Diff
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
3. Family Background
Holidays Santa Claus vs. None
II U d t di I t f Diff
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
3. Family Background
Chores His vs. Hers
II U d t di I t f Diff
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
3. Family Background
How we were raised becomes our normal.
When we discover our spouse does things
differentlyWell, theyre just wrong!
We all need to learn that in most situations,
theyre not wrong, just different.
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
1. Physiological
2. Natural Abilities
3. Family Background
4. Primary Role and Emotional Need
II Understanding Impact of Differences
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4. Primary Role and Emotional Need
Gen 2:18
The LORD God said, " It is not good for the man to be
alone. I wi l l make a helper su itable for h im ."
Eph 5:22-23
Wives, subm it to your husbands as to the Lord . For
the husband is the head o f the wife as Chr is t is the
head of the church
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4. Primary Role and Emotional Need
Eph 5:22 - 28
Husbands love your w ives, just as Chr is t loved the
church and gave himself up for her. In this same
way, husbands ought to love their wives as their ownbodies.
Eph 5:33
However, each one of you also must love his w ife as he
loves himself , and the wife must respect her husband.
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4. Primary Role and Emotional Need
Primary
Spouse Primary Role Need
Husband Loving Servant-Leader Respect
Wife Respectful Helper-Comp Love
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
1. Physiological
2. Natural Abilities
3. Family Background
4. Primary Role and Emotional Need
5. Love Languages
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
5. Love Languages
(1) Words of Affirmation
(2) Quality Time
(3) Receiving Gifts
(4) Acts of Service
(5) Physical Touch
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5. Love Languages
While all languages should be expressed, we
generally have one or two that we hear best.
Our tendency is to express love the way that
we hear love.
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5. Love Languages
To be fully received, our expressions of love
need to be communicated in a way that our
spouse can understand.
We need to discoverour spouses language
and learn to speak that to them regularly.
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
1. Physiological
2. Natural Abilities
3. Family Background
4. Primary Role and Emotional Need
5. Love Languages
6. Spiritual Gifts
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6. Spiritual Gifts
1 Corinthians 12:7, 11, 18-20
Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for
the common good.
All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he
gives them [gifts] to each one, just as he determines.
...in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one
of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one
part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many
parts, but one body.
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
6. Spiritual Gifts
Spir i tual gif ts are given TO each bel iever BY
the Spir i t FOR the common good.
The Holy Spir i t determ ines which gi f t (s) wereceive.
God g ives us d i fferent gi f ts because the
Church and the wor ld need them al l !
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
6. Spiritual Gifts
Service Gif ts Sign Gif ts
Prophesying Wisdom
Serving Prophecy
Teaching KnowledgeEncouraging/Exhorting Discernment
Giving Faith
Leading Speaking in Tongues
Showing Mercy Interpreting Tongues
Miracles
Healing
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6. Spiritual Gifts
The sp ir i tual gi f ts we possess inf luence
how we perceive and respond to our
wor ld and our spouse!
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
1. Physiological
2. Natural Abilities
3. Family Background
4. Primary Role and Emotional Need
5. Love Languages
6. Spiritual Gifts
7. Personality Type
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7. Personality Type
By understanding our own personality type and
that of our spouse we gain a huge advantage to
improving our communication. We will have a
better insight as to what motivates our spouse,
how they are likely to interpret a particular issue,
and how they might respond to a specific situation.
Gaining an understanding of these differences
enables us to decrease the conflict in our life!
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7. Personality Type
We are born with our basic personality and will
exhibit many of these strengths and weaknesses
over our entire lifetime. BUT we must not fall
prey to the belief that our natural-borntendencies can keep us from maturing over time.
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
7. Personality Type
LaHaye DISC Smalley/Trent
Choleric D Lion
Sanguine I OtterPhlegmatic S Golden Retriever
Melancholy C Beaver
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7. Personality Type
Mature Immature
Descr ipt ion Streng ths Weaknesses
Lion Determined DemandingHigh D Decisive Dictatorial
Choleric Direct Blunt
Assertive Argumentative
Aggressive Overbearing
Goal-Oriented Impatient
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
7. Personality Type
Mature Immature
Descr ipt ion Streng ths Weaknesses
Otter Charismatic ImpulsiveHigh I Confident Overconfident
Sanguine Gregarious Superficial
Stimulating Self-CenteredTalkative Poor Listener
Enthusiastic Emotional
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7. Personality Type
Mature Immature
Descr ipt ion Streng ths Weaknesses
Golden Easy-Going Non-ConfrontRetriever Accommodating Indecisive
High S Patient Indifferent
Phlegmatic Calm ApatheticLoyal Passive
Dependable Plodding
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7. Personality Type
Mature Immature
Descr ipt ion Streng ths Weaknesses
Beaver Orderly ObsessiveHigh C Thorough Nit-Picky
Melancholy Systematic Legalistic
Quality Perfectionist
Cautious Indecisive
Analytical Critical
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7. Personality Type
God g ives us our co re personali ty to help us
accompl ish His pu rposes for ou r l ife.
By Gods Spirit, we can grow beyond our
natural weaknesses and do things that are no t
natural for us.
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
7. Personality Type
Philippians 2:13
for it is God who works in you to will and to act according
to his good purpose.
Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit ofpower, of love and of self-discipline.
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II. Understanding Impact of Differences
7. Personality Type
You can use your background as an excuse
for present behavior only until you receive
Jesus Christ as your personal Lord andSavior. After that you have a new power
within you that is able to change your
conduct. Dr. Henry Brandt
Five Major Keys of Effective Communication
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Five Major Keys of Effective Communication
1. Maturing Character
2. Mutual Understanding
Do you know who I am?
W t Rid Ch h M i Mi i t
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West Ridge Church Marriage Ministry
Can You Hear Me Now?
Communication Keys for Couples
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Introduction: Irreconcilable Differences?
The best marriages are generally those that
have full alignment in values but differ in core
personality temperament.
It is not enough to recognize our differences
we must also respond appropriately.
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Our Natural Response to Differences
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Our Natural Response to Differences
1. Believe that we are right and they are wrong.
2. At first, we are patient and hope they willchange on their own.
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Our Natural Response to Differences
3. But when they dont, we attempt to change
them through a variety of techniques.
-- Joke about it -- Teach or coach
-- Shame them -- Nag repeatedly
-- Yell about it -- Cry about it
-- Shut down/silence
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4. Most of these techniques have the unintended
result of pushing our spouse away.
5. And over time, this leads to isolation the very
opposite of intimacy.
6. If this pattern is not changed, this behavior
ends up in: -- Divorce
-- M & M MarriageMarried and Miserable
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The Desired Response
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The Desired Response
1. Recognize that God has not called us
to change our spouse -- thats His job!
Because opposites attract, we tend to be
strong in areas our spouse is weak.
Dont try to change your spouse.
Instead, allow God to use them to change me.
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The Desired Response
2. Accept our spouse as Gods gift to us for
helping us grow.
Then the LORD God made a woman from the ribhe had taken out of the man, and he brought her to
the man. The man and his wife were both naked,
and they felt no shame. Genesis 2:22,25
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The Desired Response
2. Accept our spouse as Gods gift to us for
helping us grow.
Our spouse is our God-given accountability
partner!
We should be asking:
What is God trying to teach me?
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The Desired Response
3. Learn to embrace these differences.
Romans 15:7
Accept one another, then, just as Christ acceptedyou, in order to bring praise to God.
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The Desired Response
3. Learn to embrace these differences.
4. Understand the stages of this process.
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We are different and.
DATING
Gee, hadnt really noticed. Ignore
MARRIAGE
Yikes!!! Recognize
I get it.intellectually. Understand
I can live with thatif I must. Tolerate
THE WALL
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We are different and.
DATING
Gee, hadnt really noticed. Ignore
MARRIAGE
Yikes!!! Recognize
I get it.intellectually. Understand
I can live with thatif I must. Tolerate
THE WALL MUST PUSH PAST !!!
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We are different and.
THE WALL
Im okay with that..really. Accept
Im glad for you. Appreciate
I see how that benefits us! Embrace
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5. Embracing our differences creates a safe
environment in which we can talk.
6. The result is that our spouse feels
unconditional acceptance.
We reach higher levels of intimacy onlyas
we feel unconditionally accepted.
Five Major Keys of Effective Communication
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Five Major Keys of Effective Communication
1. Maturing Character
2. Mutual Understanding
3. Unconditional Acceptance
Will you accept me as I am?
West Ridge Church Marriage Ministry
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West Ridge Church Marriage Ministry
Can You Hear Me Now?
Communication Keys for Couples
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